Things I wish I could ask my Mum on Mother’s Day

My sister Louise and I talk about our mum, Frances, all the time, as indeed do all of my brothers and our extended family. Today, on Mother’s Day, Louise and I talk to her one more time.
12509594_10153203365351447_1858539351419133947_n
Our mum Frances in her mid-20s

Fran: It’s been seven years since my mother died. She was two months away from her 77th birthday so I was lucky because I’d had her in my life for a very long time.

We were close – we bickered, of course – but we talked a lot and often about more than just the superficial and everyday. But there’s still so much I wish I had asked her about, so many things about her as a person – not simply as mum or gran or auntie or sister but Frances Condon, the teenager, the young clerkess, the traveller, the music lover – that I would love to know.

Louise: I was a fully fledged adult and mother myself when Mum died so, luckier than some in having her for so long.

You were formidable when I was young, I didn’t dare upset you. Not that you were Mommie Dearest, you just could silence me with a look. Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare disappoint me or yourself. I try it now with mine and it’s nowhere near what your laser glare was. I salute you for that and practise daily to emulate you.

You worked full-time with six kids. For that alone, I am in awe. But you also cooked every meal from scratch, seemed to always be there and looked after not just us but your sister, nieces, nephews, in-laws, never seeming to favour any one over the other. Everyone felt attended to, never ignored. They all still talk about you, as mine do, even though you only met the eldest. You’d adore the youngest, she is a force of nature and you would consider the eldest the daughter you could finally style and dress in your classic elegance.

We have all floundered a little without you. You were the matriarch we gathered around and took strength from.

Here are three things we each wish we could ask Mum today and why.

 

12804623_10153310834431447_7036056645199103430_n
Mum in 1970, aged 37

Fran: Financial constraints meant there was no way you could have gone to university after school, but if things had been different, what career would you have chosen and why?

I always thought you should have been a teacher or a writer. You absolutely loved books and devoured them on a daily basis – that love of reading you’ve passed on to all of us. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who went to the library as much as you. You were also incredibly smart with figures and accounting. That you could budget for a family of six kids on dad’s fairly meagre income over the years still impresses the hell out of me 40-odd years on. I never plucked up the courage to ask – and really, was it ever any of my business? – how much you regretted that further education was simply not an option, that at 17 you had to leave school and go to work; that you then had to give up a job you loved and with it any kind of financial independence when you married. You always struck me, Mum, as the good girl who did what was necessary to make everyone else’s lives a little easier. I wish you had had half the career options that came my way.

Lou: How did you deal with those Groundhog Day moments (apt too as that date is your birthday) when the cooking, cleaning, putting out of fires and general raising of children is shown to be the exhaustive task it is?

I honestly don’t know how you did it. All of us? The boys with their football strips and all of us different ages and stages and attitudes and bullshit? I’m struggling with the difference between a five-year-old and a nine-year-old and I could tear out my already very short hair. I’m fine some days, it’s life, it’s running a house. But by God, I could scream other days. I’m also really sorry for swearing because I know you never did and didn’t like it, but I’m human and you were a saint so, that’s that settled. Next.

1486902_10152078087456447_1467820997486830030_n
Fran and Mum on the beach at Crail , 1970

Fran: How much did you hate those shopping trips with me and Lou?

Boy, did we cramp your style. You must have despaired that you’d had six sons and not four. I never knew anyone who could shop like you, mum. Remember all those times when you took yourself off into town for hours and would come home with nothing but a smile on your face for the sheer pleasure of browsing for a bargain? I could think of nothing worse. We used to joke that the shopping gene had missed me and Lou out completely. We’d get off the bus or train and within minutes would be angling for lunch or a coffee break while you had your eye on the prize – Lewis’s or Goldberg’s, a whizz round Arnotts and maybe a wander through the perfume counter at Frasers just to try out some new scents. I shudder remembering the times you came home when I was a teenager, having “picked a wee something up” for me that I would hate on sight – I also cringe at how rude and ungrateful I was, especially as you would have loved nothing more than to spoil me with a new outfit. We did laugh about that later on but only once you’d given up on ever buying me a piece of clothing ever again. “Do you think you’ll still be able to wear jeans and T-shirts when you’re in your 50s?” you’d rage at me. Er… yes, mum, I will. I do. But I do wish I had your good taste and sense of style and I always smile when I remember your annual shopping trip to Mademoiselle Anne’s in Stockwell Street where you’d buy a beautifully tailored coat and a couple of dresses so stylish that they never went out of fashion.

Lou: I know you loved to read, but I wonder now if the newspapers and books were an escape not just from your difficult early life but as it continued?

When reading, you were gone, away. I hope that it was as magical an escape as it seemed to be when you would read a few pages, close your eyes and lay the book on your lap. I hope you went right to where you wanted to go. I used to watch you shut your eyes, just for a few moments, and wonder where you went. As ever, Mum, you were away ahead of your time, mindful before we called it that, practising CBT before it was called that, aka “things could be worse”. I wish you were here now, just taking five before getting on with the next thing you had to do. I’d be there to help you do it.

golden1
Mum, right, with Sophie, centre, and Ellen – the three were the very best of friends for 50-plus years

Fran: Why didn’t you ever write down the recipe for your lentil soup?

Mum, I actually pine for your homemade soup. And the Sunday dinners that, even close to the end of your life, you still lovingly prepared “just in case” someone turned up. I make my own soup but it doesn’t taste the same. All the ingredients are there, I put them together exactly the way I watched you – and Nana first – doing it from when I was a tiny tot. I know what’s missing is you. A couple of years ago, I popped in to see your dearest friend Sophie, who sadly passed away last month. She was making soup and her house smelled like yours used to. I was almost paralysed by memory, tears blinding me. Every time I make soup, I wish I was watching you make yours one more time.

Lou: Why aren’t you here now?

1936348_107237192097_3852728_n
Lou and Mum on the beach at Crail in 2009 with Cub No. 1

We need your wisdom more than ever, people like you Mum. Wise, intelligent and strong. Your kind are thin on the ground. You would see through every shyster like you always did, early on and with a simple shake of your head, you would sum up their character succinctly. I’m kind of glad you don’t have to see it, but I selfishly want you. I want your guidance raising my strong girls, like I hope you know you raised yours. Happy Mother’s Day, from one to another.

To Frances Traynor, 1933-2010 – and mums everywhere.

Dear teenage me, stop being such a feartie

Inspired by some of my old colleagues, who were in turn inspired by Victoria Beckham, I’ve penned a letter to my 18-year-old self.

10168075_10203714507653126_9048346222565518026_n
Me at 18 – this is the only pic I can find without going up the loft. Honest

Hi Frances

The nicknames will come, I promise, but sadly no one will ever embrace Frankie. More on that later.

Right now you’re an incredibly naive 18-year-old who is about to start college and embark on a career in newspapers. You haven’t got a single clue, but that’s ok. Neither does anyone else in your class. And you don’t know it now, but you’re about to make one of the most significant and long-lasting friendships of your life.

You chose journalism because you have a passion for writing, but somewhere along the way you’ll lose sight of that because words will become your trade, not your inspiration. Fortunately, there’s this incredible new invention coming along called the Internet and you’ll rediscover your writing mojo. Embrace it.

You’ll eventually lose the naivety. That bit won’t be pretty, but you’re more emotionally mature than you give yourself credit for. And you’ll always have humour to get you through the worst days.

Oh yeah, on humour – sometimes, no matter how funny you think you’re being, you should know when to shut the eff up. Timing is everything.

You’re not fat. Honestly, you’re not. You’re a wee bit plump. Try not to be quite so self-conscious – eventually communal changing rooms will die and you’ll be able to strip down to your scants without worrying about a judgmental audience tutting.

The chest region is, however, over-endowed and that’s never going to change so get measured properly for a bra much earlier than your 30s (!) and never ever skimp on well-upholstered lingerie.

Most of all, you’ll stop being afraid. Afraid of change, afraid of being on your own in the flat at night, afraid of being embarrassed, afraid to move away, afraid of a new job, afraid afraid afraid.

You will have a good career and be sensible – eventually – about your finances and mortgages and stuff. Then it will all go to glorious pot in your 40s but that will be even better because you will have stopped being so bloody scared of life.

Most of all, you’ll stop being scared of who you really are. You’ve always known you are a lesbian, but the very idea of even saying that word out loud has turned you into a bit of a baby bigot. Making snide remarks about other women/girls who might or might not be gay is not cool. You’ll learn that the hard way. So stop it now.

But when you do finally accept that everything – fun, joy, passion, love – is passing you by because you are living only half a life, you will be free. And you’ll get horribly hurt and do some horrible hurting of your own and all of it will be worth every miserable, splendid, unforgettable second because you’ll be yourself.

Appreciate your parents much more than you do – they are magnificent and you’ll only realise how magnificent when it’s a little too late.

Most of all, know that nothing in life is ever set in stone. No job, no relationship. Change will become something you embrace, not evade. And when the greatest change of all comes along, it will be because of the promise of all-encompassing love.

Grab that change with both hands. It will be the best thing that ever happens to you.

Enjoy the ride, Frankie. Okay, maybe that’s a nickname just for me and you.

________

Debbie also penned a letter to her 18-year-old self. Unfortunately, we don’t have a pic of her from that time… yet.

Dear Debbie,

You’re 18, what do you know? Actually you know a lot! You know that you value people above objects, you know that you want to make things better for everyone, and you’re already hoping that there’s a certain someone for you.

You’ll spend years having fun, taking wrong turns, trying to make up for mistakes that weren’t yours in the first place, and even when you’re having the best fun ever, you’ll worry that you’re not good enough.

Know three things:

Everyone round you will have more qualifications/degrees than you but you know as least as much as everyone else

Fighting for equality is never a lost cause – there will be rewards in the most unexpected places.

And hold on to the fact that the love of your life will find you and make you feel more happy and complete than you can ever imagine – at the exact point that you are able to accept that you are worthy of the happiness she offers.

For Orlando, with love

Today the worst mass killing in US history took place in a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida.

A lone gunman, armed with an automatic weapon and who knows what other firepower, walked into the Pulse club and opened fire. At the moment 50 people are confirmed dead and another 53 are being treated in hospital for their injuries.

It is a horrific crime, heartbreaking and incomprehensible in its scale.

We have watched today in tearful despair as the news got ever grimmer from the scene, the pain and terror of those caught up in the attack and of the friends and families waiting in dread for news palpable.

Speculation is naturally rife as to the “inspiration” behind this dreadful attack.

I’ll spare you the time – it’s hate.

Religion isn’t the only driver of homophobia and hatred towards LGBTQ people, but it sure as hell provides a neat cover for those who cannot abide the progress made on civil rights for a minority that has suffered – and in many places around the world continues to suffer – blatant discrimination and oppression.

Well, hate can never be allowed to win. Especially when all we want to do is love and be loved.

Share the love. And keep in your hearts everyone who went out for a night of fun and dancing with friends and lovers – and who will never go home because of one individual so filled with hate.

#lovewins